Blue Haze - Short Story 10

10

Blue Haze

 

"God, I need a cigarette.....

 

"Last time I was in one of these rooms..... I couldn't see the people through the blue haze....

 

"That was like... fifty years ago..... fifty....

 

"I'm not sure, perhaps it was forty.... I lost track..... I never gave it much thought.

 

"It doesn't really matter does it, forty is a long time too. A lifetime. Half mine. Okay, not quite, I'm not that old. But it never crossed my mind I'd be back here. Never.

 

"I sure could use a cigarette. (someone laughs)

 

"At one time I used to know everyone in this room. I was never one too, you know, too get up and talk. Some people are good at it. It's like a gift. The great orators. They tell funny stories. Weave the details. Not me. I stood at the side, over there, by the coffee table. I drank lots of coffee. And yeah, we could smoke cigarettes then. The room was full of smoke. Everyone smoked. It was the same thing in the bars and the restaurants in those days. You could smoke anywhere.

 

"Looking out at you, I don't know a single one of you.... I don't know what that means.... I don't know if that is good or bad... I don't know. (someone coughs) 

 

"It tells me times change but some things don't. There are just as many people here tonight as there was back then. Which is sad. It makes me sad. I would have hoped different.

 

"I was in a mall. You know the big one on the east side, the one with the water fountain and the weird modern sculptures at the entries. I can't make heads nor tails of those things. I don't get them. I go there to walk and to be by myself. It seems odd to say that. Be by yourself in a crowded mall. But it's true. I go there to get lost in the crowd. 

 

"No one knows me. Just unknown people filing past. Don't get me wrong, I like people. I take the comfort of having people around, but now, I like that I need not to talk to them. There's no pressure. I was in sales you see, and never really good at it. I'm not natural, more of an introvert. Sales is a hard go. A real hard go and I had a lot of anxiety. That's were the drinking came in.

"Anyway, I was in the mall and when I was about to leave I guess maybe I walked out the wrong door. They all look the same. I couldn't find my car. I guess I got anxious. No, I did get anxious. And when I get anxious I can't think. And then I get more anxious. I thought too, maybe I'm getting Alzheimer's. I'm really scared of that.... my mother....

 

"Yeah, well, so.... I went back into the mall to get my bearings but I was lost more than ever. I couldn't remember which door I went out of, or came in, or whatever. I sat down on a bench and then I saw a restaurant. I went in. I was flustered. I ordered a beer. I just did. First drink in forty something years. It happens I guess. I just never expected it'd happen to me.

 

"I remember my first drink. We probably all do. The first one ever. It was a funny thing, and I say that because both my parents were drunks and I swore I'd never be like them. Swore to God. You know the story, right. Thirteen, fourteen years old, rebellious, ready to prove to the world you are going to be your own person...

 

 "It's raining outside. I hear it through the window. Not hard. Can you hear it? It just started.

 

"My first beer ever, I drank it because my friends were drinking it. You just want to fit in at that age, right. It tasted strange, not what I expected, I thought it'd be sweet, but I drank it anyway. It was one of those fat old stubby bottles. (smiling)

 

"Six beer, five boys. One small bedroom. Pretty soon we were all laughing and joking and wrestling. It was a hoot. No wonder my parents like to drink. I had no idea. It never occurred to me they weren't having fun. They weren't happy.

 

"The beer in the restaurant was the same, it tasted odd, strange, bitter. I had forgotten the taste. But I drank it anyway. And I liked the feeling. Boy I liked the feeling. It hits you pretty quick when you're not used to it. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to have another. The anxiety vanished. I forgot about my troubles. I was having fun. I talked with the waitress, told her a rude joke. She laughed, touched me on the arm. It felt good, I felt good, better than I've had in awhile. Even the pain of my arthritis disappeared.

 

"Not much else to say. Two weeks later I'm here. Back at the beginning.... life comes full circle.... 

(shakes his head)

 

"I think I'll go outside now. Go stand in the rain. Go have a smoke. 

 

"I'll come back in. Get myself a coffee. You'll find me standing by the wall over there."